I am without a house. Well, I’m in my house still, but my days are numbered. By the end of next month I have to be somewhere else, anywhere else. I have been looking every day. I’ve looked at so many places. I’ve gotten my heart set on more than a few. And every one that I fall for falls away. One was because my credit is messed up (still trying to fix what my past did and what my late ex did, a combined mess). One was because another interested party paid an entire year’s rent upfront. Another one outbid me by $300 a month (who does that?) And another still decided to rent to a family member.
I have a letter of recommendation from my landlords. I make enough money for any place I look at. I have good references and a job I’ve been at for four years. I am a good tenant. And, I’m scared, terrified really, and battling daily bouts of anxiety about this.
My daughter, the younger of my two girls, starts high school next year. She already has her schedule. She gets to be in advanced drama because of her experience. She has AP and pre-AP classes lined up. She has a good group of friends. And, she may not be able to go at all if I can’t find another house in our rather small town.
She’s panicking and sad and scared and taking it all out on me.
I get it, I really fucking get it, but it hurts all the same.
I lie in bed, tears silently falling, unable to sleep because of worry, because of fear, because of sadness, and because of this overwhelming feeling of failure.
After everything we’ve been through I had finally found some stability and security, and the kids felt it, embraced it, breathed easier in it, and now I feel like it is all imploding.
And my marriage, if you can even call it that, is over. It is over and I know it, and he knows it, and I said it – out loud – and he just sat there silently, not arguing, but arguing all the same. He never shows emotion except anger at inanimate things. He never shows any emotion to me. He told me when he thinks of talking to me his mind is just blank. He said I just want you to be happy. He said nothing is really going to change.
I said I can’t do this.
Because I can’t do this.
I don’t want to do this.
He locked himself in the bathroom and I could hear him crying. He came back to bed eventually, lying there in heavy silence, awake, but saying nothing.
I tried to sleep, but really, how could I?
The next night he came to me with no solutions, no words, just this vacant stare. I asked him what he wanted to do, where he’d go, what his plans are.
He said “I don’t know”.
He said “I don’t have anywhere to go.”
He said “I just want to be with you.”
And I felt my insides collapsing, along with my will.
The next morning I woke and touched his face softly, and I said we can work this out.
BUT WE CAN’T WORK THIS OUT.
I DON’T WANT TO.
My insides were SCREAMING at myself. What was I doing?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
I think back at last Thursday, meeting that guy from my past. We had dinner and talked and the tension rose. He asked me back to his and I made a million excuses. I didn’t go back. I didn’t, but I wanted to.
I kissed him though.
It felt fucking great to be kissed, to be touched at all, to feel something.
I still didn’t go in, though I wanted to.
Though I’m not sure I ever want to see him again.
I just want so much more than this. So much more.
So, why did I say that? Why did I cave? Why did my words not match my feelings?
I drive to work and cry.
I talk to the dead one again. I tell him fuck you for leaving me. Fuck you for leaving me with messes to keep cleaning up. Fuck you for making me feel like abandoning others will lead to them killing themselves. Fuck you for making me so fucking scared all the time.
And yeah, fuck you because I still miss you sometimes.
Every time he and I moved we were brave about it. We never worried that we’d fail. We just went, we just jumped, we just moved.
I don’t know how to be that girl anymore.
My head, and my heart, feel filled with water. I feel like I’m drowning.
I feel like I forgot how to swim.